Blame
by MistressMacha
Summary: Elliot had always been secretly afraid that his temper might get him into serious trouble one day, but no one could ever have thought that it would end up being because of something like this... Set just after 'Smoked'.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: OK, so I started a new story... I was watching an SVU marathon the other night and inspiration struck, and as... interesting... as I think the response from some of you will be, it was an idea that I really wanted to explore... so here it is. I hope that you don't all hate it and/or wish to kill and dismember me, so... if you like it, please send me a review and let me know so that I know to keep uploading chapters, and if you don't... well, feel free to tell me why. But be nice. Please.**_

_**(Also, thanks very, VERY much to Hailey for all her encouragement while I was agonising about whether to write this =). It meant a lot to me.)**_

Olivia shook her head and took another gulp of wine. _Urgh._ She grimaced. It tasted like a mixture of off-brand Kool-Aid and vinegar. _Remind me not to accept any more of that cheap wine Munch keeps under his desk._ Then again, she hadn't exactly wanted it for a pleasant evening in. 12.5%vol suited her just fine.

_I can't believe this actually happened._

_I can't believe she got a gun into the precinct._

_I can't believe I didn't see it._

_I can't believe I let this happen._

She buried her head in her hands. _I can't believe he actually shot her..._

There was a sudden knock at the door and Olivia sighed, set the glass down on her kitchen countertop and went to the peephole. _This better not be a fucking salesman-_ She stopped, breaking into a wide smile. 'El!' _Thank God, he's finally seen sense, he really shouldn't be alone right now._ She opened the door and gestured for him to come in. 'I'm so glad you're here.' She smiled reassuringly at him, reaching out to touch his arm. 'How are-'

'Just shut up, Olivia.' He pushed past her, barely meeting her eyes. He'd just been working himself up the whole way here, hell, the whole evening, getting angrier and angrier, and he was in no mood for any of her manipulative bullshit right now.

'What?' Olivia frowned, watching him pace restlessly around the room. 'El, are you OK?'

He took a deep breath, still trying to push down the anger that was building in his gut. 'Is there a reason why you fucked me over today, or do you just do it for kicks?'

Olivia blinked in surprise. _What the hell is he talking about?_ 'El, I-'

'The gun, Olivia.' He turned towards her, his voice cold and clipped as he stared her down. 'The gun. You didn't spot it. You let her kill those people. You let her kill those people, Olivia, and then you let them blame me.'

Olivia's jaw dropped. 'Excuse me?'

Elliot felt a sudden burst of rage. _That was the same look he'd seen on her face that day at the precinct, the same look that she'd dared to give him after he'd done what he had to do, done what she'd MADE him do, what she'd MANIPULATED him into doing, and now she was doing it again, that fucking selfish mocking-_

Something inside him snapped.

'DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!' He took a step towards her, swaying a little on the spot and grabbing the countertop for support. 'YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, YOU SELFISH BITCH!'

She looked him up and down, wrinkling her nose in disgust. 'You're drunk.'

'SHUT UP!' _Self-righteous bitch, how dare she..._ Elliot felt another surge of rage, and now it was building again, slowly poisoning his entire body. 'You're the only one who fucking gets to drink, are you?' He gestured angrily at the half-empty bottle sitting on the counter beside her glass. 'Sitting here having a nice fucking nightcap while I watch my career going down the fucking toilet!'

'Oh, El...' She smiled reassuringly, putting her hand on his shoulder. 'El, your career isn't over, really-'

'I SAID SHUT UP!' Elliot shoved her away, grabbed the wine bottle off the table and threw it at her, barely missing her head as she threw herself out of the way.

Olivia gasped as the bottle shattered loudly against the white plaster, splattering wine all over her and covering the carpet in curved, broken shards of thick green glass. _Oh my God._ She blinked in shock, staring at the dark red liquid running down her wall. 'Jesus Christ, Elliot, what the hell is wrong with you-'

'Me? What's wrong with me?' Elliot laughed bitterly. 'You're the one who's ruined my fucking life! How could you not have noticed that stupid girl had a gun? How, Olivia? She wasn't exactly a pro!' He rolled his eyes, throwing his arms up in disbelief. 'I should have just let her shoot you and be done with it, at least then I might have gotten the fucking sympathy vote!'

_No..._ Olivia felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. 'Elliot, you... you don't mean that-'

'DON'T TELL ME WHAT I MEAN!' His face was bright red, a vein pulsing in his forehead. 'It's true, Olivia, you know it is, I-' He stopped, giving her a look of disgust. 'Oh great, cry, that'll make everything better, right?' He snorted. 'Jesus Christ, Olivia, you're meant to be a grown-up, you're meant to be a fucking cop, but you all you ever do is act like a sad, stupid little girl who wants her mommy.'

_Why is he doing this? _ Olivia could feel hot tears running down her face. 'El, that's not fair-'

'Maybe that's why you didn't notice the gun, huh, Olivia?' He grinned at her, putting on a mocking sing-song voice. 'Were you trying be just like mom, drinking the day away just to make having to put up with you just that little bit more bearable?'

'Fuck you.' Olivia forced herself to look him in the eye, desperately fighting the urge to just crumple into a ball on the floor and weep. 'You absolute heartless bastard.'

Elliot rolled his eyes. 'Am I? Am I a heartless bastard? Then why do you follow me around the fucking precinct making fucking doe eyes at me all the time? I go to get coffee, and when I turn around, you're there. Hell, even when I go to the bathroom I come out to find you waiting outside, holding some random file in your hand that apparently 'just can't wait, El!' Everyone thinks we're a couple, Olivia, and it's because of you! I hear them snickering and making comments whenever they leave us alone together!'

'El, that's not my fault-'

'It IS!' He let out a cry of exasperation. 'You act like you own me, Olivia, like I'm yours and yours alone, like you'd beat down anyone else who so much as looked at me! Remember that thing with Dani? Remember how fucking jealous you got? It's shit like that, Olivia, and it's stupid shit like this!' He grabbed the photograph of them together from the end table and threw it at her, the sharp edge of the frame striking her forehead and splitting it open.

Olivia cried out and staggered backwards, clutching at her face and feeling blood running through her fingers as the frame shattered at her feet. 'Jesus Christ, El-'

'STOP CALLING ME EL!'

'But I've always-'

'Only my wife calls me El, Olivia! Did you hear that? MY WIFE. You heard her do it and then suddenly YOU were doing it too, it was El this and it was El that, but Olivia, you will NEVER be my wife! I will never, EVER marry you, however much in love with me you are, BECAUSE I DON'T LOVE YOU!'

Olivia was staring at him in disgust, clutching a dishtowel to her forehead. 'You arrogant son of a bitch...' _Like I'd want to marry you anyway. I mean, really. It hadn't even crossed my mind, not even once. It's not like I'm in love with you or anything. Why would I be? _

He didn't seem to have heard her. 'You think you're so great for me, you think you'd be perfect for me, but all you ever do is let me down, Olivia, all you ever do is fuck me over, again and again and again, and you're too self-absorbed to even realise that you're doing it!'

Olivia gritted her teeth, fixing him in a cold stare, ignoring the thick streams of blood still running down the side of her face. 'Elliot, I have never, ever let you down.'

'Come ON, Olivia, are you really THAT stupid?' The rage was rising in Elliot's throat, a burning feeling spreading down his limbs and up towards his brain. 'Of course you have! You always do! Do you remember the time you got yourself stabbed, and the time you got me shot when I was undercover and you just HAD to drop in and say hi-'

'Elliot, I-'

'-or what about the time you got yourself and my pregnant wife into a car accident, we both know you engineered that one, don't we-'

'-No, Elliot-'

'-And the time you when you dragged me to Jersey to stalk your half brother-'

'Elliot, that is NOT fair, I didn't ask you to come-'

'OLIVIA, YOU DID!' He grabbed the lamp from the table and hurled it at the far wall, feeling the rage subside a little as he heard it break. 'You knew I'd go with you, you knew that I'd have to follow you, because you've deliberately manipulated me into constantly needing to watch out for you!'

Olivia's eyes narrowed. _I am done trying to reason with this asshole. _ 'Elliot, I have never made you do anything.' She pointed at the door. 'Get out.'

'Yes, you have, you manipulative bitch, of course you have.' He lunged forward and shoved her back against the wall, and she could smell the alcohol on his breath as he held his face maybe three inches from hers, staring into her eyes. 'All you ever do is make me do things that I don't want to do, all you've ever done is make me miserable, you just keep on making my life worse and worse and worse-'

'Elliot, what the hell do you think you're doing?' Olivia shoved him hard in the chest, trying to fight back an instinctive surge of panic. _Don't worry, it's El, he won't hurt you, you know he won't... _'Get the hell off me!'

'Why, am I triggering your PTSD, you know, that thing you put on to make everyone feel sorry for you, to give you yet another reason to play the fucking martyr? 'Oh, I know it's awful for me to have to hear now that I'm even more special, but I'll go and talk to these victims anyway.'' He faked a sniff and mimed wiping his eye with his forefinger. ''After all, they need me.''

She tried to push him away but he forced her back again, leaning in closer, his face less than an inch from hers. 'You think that everyone wants to fuck you because you're so fucking desirable, so I'm clearly going to try and rape you, right?' He snorted. 'Do you have any idea how much everyone laughs at you when you swan in every morning with your perfect hair and your perfect makeup, in your carefully-chosen, just-barely-professional, fuck-me outfit that probably cost more than a semester of my kids' tuition at Hudson?' He laughed and yanked roughly at the dark fabric of her shirt, ripping it along one seam and exposing several inches of tanned abdomen. 'It's your JOB, Olivia, it's BUSINESS, not a fucking PHOTOSHOOT!'

She stared at him, wrinkling her nose in disgust. 'Get away from me, you son of a bitch.'

'Make me.' He stared right back, and she felt a cold chill. There was something she didn't like in his eyes.

She felt him grab her wrists and pin them painfully against the wall, and something inside her snapped. _ENOUGH._ She took a deep breath and kneed him hard in the crotch, stumbling away from him as he staggered backwards swearing angrily and cursing her. 'Shut the FUCK up, Elliot, I am so FUCKING sick of listening to your fucking BULLSHIT right now!' _You don't think I've had an awful day too, you selfish bastard? _'NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!'

Elliot managed to force himself upright, so angry now that he could barely think straight. 'My bullshit? MY bullshit?'

'Yes, YOUR bullshit, because you know what, Elliot?' Olivia's face was just as red as his now, her hair sticking to her scalp with sweat as she clenched her fists. 'You keep blaming me for this shit but it's all you, you've ruined everything for yourself, you've let yourself down, it's because of your damn attitude problem and your stupid testosterone macho-man thing that you're in this mess! All this crap about how I did this, I did that, it's all bullshit, because it's ALL YOUR FAULT!'

Red spots exploded in front of Elliot's eyes and he let out a yell of rage, lunging towards her, and she dodged him and ran, dashing for her phone on the end table by the couch-

She was almost there, reaching out for it, when Elliot grabbed her gun from the countertop and shot her in the back.

Olivia felt the wind knocked out of her as a searing pain shot through the small of her back, and then she was crashing awkwardly to the ground as her legs went from under her, sprawling facedown on the carpet.

_Oh no, he didn't, he wouldn't have..._ She fought back the urge to burst into tears. _I trusted him..._

Suddenly he was leaning over her and yanking her onto her back, his face contorted with rage, and she slapped him hard across the face, trying to pull herself to her feet and get away from him. _Oh God, why can't I move my legs?_ She took a deep breath and started screaming at the top of her lungs. 'HELP ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE, HEL-' He punched her hard in the chest and she gasped, and then he was trying to pin her again and she lashed out at him with her free hand, leaving a long trail of scratch marks across his cheek.

'God DAMN YOU!' Elliot jerked his fist back and punched her hard in the face, over and over and over, and Olivia felt the world around her starting to spin. She instinctively raised her hands to protect herself and he swore loudly at her, roughly shoving her hands away, and then he was grabbing her neck with both hands and choking her, hearing her gagging as he tightened his hands around her throat.

_Oh God..._ Olivia was clawing frantically at his fingers, desperately willing her legs to kick, and then she suddenly burst into tears as she realised what was really, actually happening to her, who was doing this to her... _El, why, why..._ She looked up into his eyes, silently begging him to stop and think about what he was doing. _El, it's me, I thought you loved me..._ She started to sob harder, feeling him keep choking her. _You're the only man I've ever trusted, you're the only man I've ever really loved..._

'WHY DO YOU ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ME, YOU STUPID BITCH?' He hit her hard across the face, splitting her lip open against her teeth. 'Everything that's ever happened, everything that's ever gone wrong for me, it's ALL YOUR FAULT, EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT!'

Olivia let her arms drop to her sides, forcing herself to stop crying. _Fine. Do it. I'm not going to try and stop you any more._ She looked up at his face, calmly looking into his eyes as she lay there and let him choke her. _Just do it, El._

Elliot felt a fresh surge of irrational rage and started to choke her harder, contorting her neck uncomfortably as he shook her. _Why does she always have to play the fucking long-suffering martyr? _She blinked slowly and he lashed out again, catching her hard across the forehead with his fist. 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, OLIVIA? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME?'

She kept looking up at him, calmly watching his face as he strangled her, feeling her body go limp as her life slowly ebbed away, and then suddenly a faint look of surprise flickered across her face and she let out a small choked gasp, her eyes widening as the last of the life left in them faded into nothing.

'Fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU...' Elliot hit her again, tightening his grip on her throat and shaking her, silently cursing her under his breath. 'FUCK YOU, OLIVIA, FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID SELF-RIGHTEOUS BULLSHIT!' He yanked her neck roughly forwards and struck her hard in the jaw, seeing her face turning sharply to the right and feeling her neck snap beneath his fingers.

She was limp and still as he shook her, and he felt another burst of burning rage. 'ALWAYS WITH THE FUCKING MARTYR CRAP!' He hit her again, and then again and again and again, her head lolling loosely from side to side. 'FOR GOD'S SAKE, OLIVIA!' He let out a cry of exasperation and threw her roughly back down onto the floor to sprawl silently onto her back, her neck twisted and bent at a painfully unnatural angle.

_DAMN HER, damn her, damn her, damn her..._ Elliot bent over, breathing heavily, the rage slowly ebbing away and his mind finally clearing. _What the hell just-_ He looked down and felt his stomach lurch in horror.

'Liv?'

_**A/N: Umm... so... what did you think?**_

_**The next few chapters (and in fact the whole story) will revolve around Elliot trying to deal with (as well as hide) what he's done, so I think (hope) that they will be interesting to write (and hopefully for you guys to read too.)**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Wow, thanks for your positive responses so far - I was convinced everyone would be hating on me and cursing me until the day I died, but most of you seem really intrigued by the idea and interested to see where it's going! In fact, I was so grateful that I decided to rush out the next chapter for you (epsilonfool, you will probably be very happy.)**_

_**There's less violence and... I don't know... unthinkingness? Is that a word? Probably not... but yes, there's less of it in this one, and a lot more of his realising what exactly he's done... anyway, I hope you like it as much as you liked the last one, and please send me a review to let me know if you think that it's still interesting enough to carry on with. The idea just really interested me because I have read a lot about domestic violence for my blog, and generally people who are prone to violent outbursts will lash out at those closest to them, so the combination of alcohol and stress lowering his violence threshold and Olivia challenging and (he perceives) mocking him was just enough to push him that bit too far.**_

_**Sister Of The Light - I'm happy you found it interesting, and I hope you still think it's interesting. I liked the idea of taking the usual 'E/O impassioned fight' thing and taking it in a different direction. **_

_**Cfhonan - Here it is! I hope you like it!**_

_**LissaLikesLeopards - I'm happy you liked the 'E/O impassioned fight' thing too. I wanted to look at that and take it (maybe) a more realistic direction.**_

_**lou3174 - I'm sorry for making you feel ill =( But I'm still glad that it piqued your interest!**_

_**ameslynn - Yes. Yes, she is.**_

_**Hailey - I'm sorry I made you feel ill too =( but I'm glad you enjoyed it, however dark it was!**_

_**redangel365 - I'm sorry you didn't like it, but hopefully you'll keep reading occasionally and it might grow on you.**_

_**So, note over, and here's the next chapter for you. I hope you all like it (if that's the word) and please send me a review to let me know what you think (especially if you haven't already) so that I can decide on where (and if) to carry it on from here. **_

'Liv?' Elliot knelt over her again, straightening her neck and feeling an awful, crunching click beneath his fingers.

His stomach turned over. _Oh no, no, I didn't just hear that, I didn't... _

'Olivia?' He leaned in closer, turning her face towards him and shaking her shoulder gently. 'Olivia, wake up.' He looked carefully at her pale, bloodied face, her brown eyes staring unblinkingly up at the ceiling and her mouth slightly open.

_Oh Jesus..._

He could see the vivid dark finger marks on her throat where he'd choked her.

_Oh God, oh my God, Elliot, what have you done..._

'OLIVIA!' He leaned over her, shaking her roughly_. It's OK, she could just be unconscious, remember what that creep who killed women in the Bowery said? He hated them when they were unconscious, they always stared at him when they were unconscious, it was why he had to cover their faces as he raped them... _ He shook her again, harder, watching her head loll lifelessly from side to side, her eyes terrifyingly vacant and her pupils fixed. _Oh God, oh God... _'Olivia, COME ON!'

_Oh Jesus. _She still wasn't moving. He leaned forward and pressed his ear against her chest.

Nothing.

_Oh Jesus, oh Jesus..._

He frantically started administering chest compressions, fighting back a wave of panic. 'Come on, Liv, come on...' He bent over and breathed into her mouth, pinching her nose shut between his thumb and forefinger, and then he was pushing down on her chest again, praying for her to just wake up, to just do something, ANYTHING, so that he'd know she was OK... 'Liv, come on, please...'

_Elliot, she's dead._

_No, no, she's not, she can't be... _'Olivia! OLIVIA! Come on, PLEASE!' He kept desperately pushing down on her chest. 'Olivia, COME ON!'

_Elliot, look at her. She is._

He took a deep breath and forced himself to look, taking in her frozen expression and glassy eyes, and a sense of sheer, cold horror settled in his gut.

_Oh no, oh no, this isn't happening, it isn't, it can't be..._

'Oh my God...' Elliot bit his lip, swallowing a sob as he stroked her hair. 'Liv...' He pulled her up into his arms, her head immediately rolling back as her neck folded back on itself with the same awful click as before.

_Oh God... _

He quickly cradled the back of her head with his hand, stroking her hair as he held his forehead against hers. 'Liv...' He kissed her cheek and held her face against the side of his neck, pressing his lips against the top of her head as he hugged her tightly, rocking her back and forth. 'Oh God, Liv...'

He had to call someone. He had to tell someone what had happened.

Suddenly a little voice popped up in his head. _**No, what good would that do? What good would it do to ruin your life?**_

_**What about your wife and kids? She wouldn't want to hurt them.**_

_**Elliot, you know that you have to cover this up.**_

_How?_

_**Mess with all the evidence, toss the place up a bit to make it look like a burglary gone wrong...**_

_No..._

_**You have to do it, Elliot.**_

He bit his lip and got up, grabbing a blanket from her couch to cover her body, bending over her again-

_**No, Elliot. That's a sign of remorse, they'll guess that her killer was someone close to her.**_

_Oh God, her killer, her killer..._

He choked back a fresh surge of nausea as he went to put the blanket back, and then he hesitated, glancing down at her as she lay silently on the floor. _But I can't just leave her there..._

_**You can. You have to. Leave the blanket alone. **_

_But..._

_**You should tear her clothes up a bit more too, make it look like the intruder tried to rape her and she fought back-**_

_NO! _ Elliot shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. _No, no, I can't do that to her, I can't-_

_**She's dead, Elliot, she won't know. **_

_Oh God, she's dead, she's dead, she's actually dead, I did this to her..._

_**Stop it, Elliot. Put the fucking blanket back. She won't know either way.**_

_But I will... _ He chewed on his lip. _Oh God, oh God, what do I do, tell me, what do I do?_

_**Leave her.**_

He hesitated for a moment, looking down at her, and then he finally shook his head. _No. _ He had to cover her up. He couldn't just leave her there.

He knelt down, kissed her forehead and carefully closed her eyes, tucking the blanket carefully around her body and pulling it up to cover her face. _Oh God, Liv, I'm so sorry..._

Fuck, it wasn't long enough. Her feet were sticking out the end.

_**It'll do.**_

_No, it won't, she looks ridiculous. I can't leave her like that._

He sat back, desperately trying to think of what to do.

_Pull it down to cover her feet instead._

He leaned forward again, yanking the blanket down over her feet and tucking it more tightly around her shoulders as he smoothed her mussed-up hair back off her face.

_That looks much better._

Elliot smiled a little and looked down at her, stroking the side of her face. _She's still so beautiful... she didn't look cold, she didn't look dead, she... she almost looked like she was asleep..._

_**Except... **_

_Except... oh God... _He could taste bile in the back of his throat._ Except for the bruises, the bruises that I gave her, that I gave her while I was killing her..._

_Oh God, I killed her, I actually killed her... _

Elliot choked back a sob and leant down to kiss her forehead again. 'Liv, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...'

_**She can't hear you, Elliot, she's dead.**_

He felt a sudden burst of irritation._ SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP! _

_**She always told you that you should do something about that temper.**_

Elliot bit his lip. _I know, I know she did..._ 'Liv...' He smoothed her hair back and kissed her gently on the mouth, holding his forehead against hers and stroking her cheek with his thumb. 'Oh my God, Liv, Liv...'

_**Come on, Elliot. Focus. **_

Elliot took a deep breath, forcing himself to pull away from her and sit up. _OK._ _What first?_

_**The wine bottle, bag up the wine bottle, your fingerprints are all over it.**_

He looked around, grabbed a wicker basket from the coffee table and emptied the magazines in it onto the floor.

_I can't believe you threw a wine bottle at her, you bastard. you absolute bastard..._

_I know, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..._

He wiped his eyes and squatted down next to the broken bottle, starting to scoop shards of glass into the basket with both hands.

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-_

_**Don't rush, Elliot, that's how people make mistakes. That's how people get caught.**_

_OK. OK._ He took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down, carefully picking up the rest of the larger pieces of glass and then setting the basket by the door. _OK._

_OK, I can do this._

_What next?_

He thought about it.

_**DNA. Her fingernails.**_

He got up and walked to the bathroom to get her nail clippers.

_I can't believe I'm actually doing this._

_**Shut up, it's what needs to be done.**_

He knelt beside her again, leaning across and lifting up her hand out from beneath the blanket, clipping her fingernails off at the quick and feeling a twinge of nausea as her cold fingers curled limply over his.

_**Elliot, focus. Concentrate on what you're doing.**_

He shook his head, breathing slowly and deeply. _OK. I can do this._ He tucked her hand carefully back under the blanket and smoothed it down. _Deep breaths, Elliot, deep breaths._ He sat back, took another deep breath and pulled her other hand from beneath the blanket, trying to avoid looking at the blood streaked on her fingers as he quickly cut off her nails.

_**There. Now sweep them up and take them with you.**_

He went to tuck her hand beneath the blanket again and then he stopped, cradling it in his and stroking her palm with this thumb. 'Liv...' He started to cry, squeezing her hand tightly and pressing it against his lips. 'Liv, please, I'm sorry...'

_**We've been through this, Elliot. She's dead. Leave her the fuck alone and get on with it.**_

_No, no, I don't want to, I want to stay with her..._

_**Do you, Elliot? Do you want Homicide to come knocking at your door tomorrow morning? Do you want them frightening your children?**_

_No, but..._

_**Then you know what you have to do.**_

_I do._ Elliot sniffed, gulping back another sob as he kissed her hand, finally tucking it safely back under the blanket.

_**The fingernails, Elliot.**_

He swallowed, bent down and picked them carefully off the carpet, slipping them into his pocket as he stood up. _OK. OK. It's fine. I can do this. I can do this._ He took a deep breath, shaking his head to clear it. _OK. What next?_

_**The bullet, Elliot, don't forget the bullet.**_

_Oh God, the bullet, I nearly forgot the bullet..._

He went to the kitchen cupboard and searched through it until he finally found a screwdriver jammed behind a stack of dusty cookbooks.

He frowned. _Didn't I give her those when she first moved in here?_

_**Elliot, forget the fucking cookbooks for a minute and focus.**_

_Right._ He closed the cupboard and went back to where the bullet was embedded in the wall, quickly digging it out of the flaking plaster and trying not to think about how it had gotten there in the first place.

_Just don't look at the blood spatter, Elliot, just don't look at the blood..._

He focused on the bullet, on working it loose with the tip of the screwdriver.

_I can't believe I did this to her._

He shook the thought away impatiently as he finally prised out the crushed, deformed bullet, his stomach lurching as he saw traces of blood on his fingertips from where he had touched it.

_Oh God, oh my God- _

_**Later, Elliot, you can freak out later, just stay calm, you know she wouldn't want you to ruin your life over this.**_

_OK._

_It's OK, it's OK, it's OK._

_OK. _He slipped the bullet into his pocket and took a deep breath_. What now?_

_**The valuables, Elliot. Robbery gone bad, remember?**_

_OK. _ He almost smiled to himself in relief. _This should be much easier-_

_**And don't forget to take off her necklaces and jewellery.**_

His stomach turned over. _Oh no, I can't do that..._

_**An intruder wouldn't leave nearly $1500 worth of gold necklaces on his victim's body, Elliot, and that's without counting her mother's ring and the watch...**_

_But she loves-_ Elliot was suddenly sure that he was about to break down again. _Loved, she loved those necklaces..._

_**Then you can keep them safe for her.**_

He bit his lip and folded the blanket down again, carefully averting his eyes from the dark finger marks on her broken neck as he reached beneath her and unfastened her necklaces, turning his head to kiss her cheek. 'It's OK, Liv, I promise I'll look after them for you, I will, really...'

He held the necklaces in the palm of his hand for a minute, savouring the last hint of her warmth that was still left in them, and then he reluctantly dropped them into his pocket with the bullet and her fingernails.

_OK. Deep breaths, Elliot, it's OK._

He swallowed awkwardly and bent over her again, twisting her ring off her finger and unbuckling her watch.

Done.

_Where now?_ He paused thoughtfully for a minute. _I bet she has a jewellery box in her bedroom._

_**Well done, you're thinking like an experienced burglar already.**_

Elliot grabbed a pair of rubber gloves as he passed the kitchen. _No, I'm thinking like a cop._

_**Does it matter?**_

_No._ He bit his lip, yanking the gloves on and pulling the plastic bag he'd carried his lunch to work in that day out of his pocket as he walked towards her bedroom door. _No, not really._

He took a deep breath, pushed the door open and entered the room.

_It's so nice in here._

He hesitated, shifting uncomfortably.

It felt wrong to be somewhere so private without asking.

_**For the love of God, you just viciously beat your beloved partner to death and now you're worried about her personal space?**_

_Idiot._ Elliot shook his head. _Get a hold on yourself._

He turned and looked around the room, suddenly struck by how many photographs she had of them together.

_I never even knew so many existed..._

He looked at the nearest one, a black and white 8x10 in a scrolled silver frame, and he smiled. _I remember that... it was right after we both got promoted almost ten years ago..._ He felt a pang of sadness. He had his arm around her and he was smiling at her as she held a pint of Guinness in her hand, the pint that he'd bet her that she couldn't handle, and of course she'd put him to shame...

_**Stop it.**_

He reluctantly turned away from the photographs, finally noticing her jewellery box sitting on the vanity table beside her bed.

_**OK.**_

_**You're nearly done here, now concentrate.**_

He went over to the vanity and quickly emptied the contents of the jewellery box into the plastic bag.

_I gave her those earrings._

He felt tears beginning to run down his face again.

_It was for her birthday three years ago._ He choked back a sob. _She looked so happy..._

_**Elliot, stop it.**_

He quickly wiped his eyes, tossing the empty box onto the bed beside her folded-up nightdress. _Calm down, come on, deep breaths, Elliot, deep breaths._

He counted to ten and looked up, glancing around the room for anything else worth taking. There wasn't much, just a few cheap-looking candle holders and ornaments. He shrugged and took them anyway. _It's not like she'll be using them any time soon. _

He turned and headed for the door, and then he stopped.

_**Do it now, and then you won't have to come back.**_

Elliot stopped.

Not having to come back sounded pretty good to him.

_OK._ He set the bag by the door, took a deep breath and upended the nearest table, sending pots of makeup flying across the room, and then he was tearing the room apart, sweeping books off the shelves and breaking table lamps, yanking out the dresser drawers and shaking the contents out onto the floor-

A large wad of money suddenly flew out of her sock drawer and he stopped.

_Wow. _

_No wonder burglars do this._

He stooped and picked up the money, quickly flicking through it. His jaw dropped. There was almost $2000 there.

_Why does she have so much money in her sock drawer?_

_Fuck knows. Fuck knows why she does any of the weird shit she does._

_**Did.**_

Elliot felt a pang. _OK, did._

He went to throw the money into the plastic bag and then he stopped, glanced around and quickly stuffed it into his trouser pocket, pushing away a twinge of guilt.

_It'd be a waste to just throw it into the Hudson with everything else..._

OK, that made him feel a little better.

_And it's not like she wouldn't want to contribute to my kids' college funds anyway..._

_Whatever you think she'd want, Elliot, Olivia's lying dead on the floor in the other room and you're in here robbing her blind._

_Only because I have to. _He forced down a fresh surge of guilt and looked around, feeling an odd sense of satisfaction. The room was pretty thoroughly trashed, he could probably go and-

Elliot spotted the fire escape outside her window and paused, an idea forming in his mind, and then he was walking over to the plastic bag and pulling out one of the heavy candle holders, brandishing it in his right hand as he crossed the room.

_Here's one loose end tied up, anyway..._

He went to smash the window and stopped.

_**Come on, Elliot, every cheap detective novel has this crap in it, if the glass isn't inside then the window was broken from the inside...**_

He rolled his eyes at himself. _Idiot._

He unlatched the window, pulled it open and smashed it, sending shards of glass flying across the bed.

_OK, done._

He left the window hanging open and finally left the room, grabbing the plastic bag and stuffing the candle holder back inside as he headed back down the hallway and into the living room-

_Oh God._

Elliot suddenly felt like he was going to throw up.

Her body was still on the floor where he'd left it, in exactly the same position, covered by the blanket, and it was just as still and just as bloodied and just as dead as it had been when he'd left, but-

_Oh God._

_Oh GOD._

_How could I have done this, how..._

He burst into fresh, racking sobs, dropping the bag and running to her, falling to his knees beside her and pulling her back into his arms. 'Oh GOD, Liv, I am so sorry, I swear, I am so, so sorry...' He hugged her tightly against his chest and buried his face in her hair, breathing in the smell of her. 'I'm so sorry, Liv, I didn't mean to do this to you, I swear, I would never mean to do this to you...' He started to cry harder, hugging her even tighter and rocking her back and forth as if he was trying to soothe her. 'Liv...'

_**Elliot, stop it.**_

'NO!' He kept rocking her, pressing his lips against the top of her head. 'Olivia, Olivia...'

_**Elliot, it's time. You have to tear up her clothes.**_

_No!_

_**Elliot, if you want SVU to get it, if you want to have a flying chance in hell of being able to steer this investigation from the inside even a little bit, then it has to be a sex crime.**_

He looked down at her face in horror. _But... I can't..._

_**You don't have a choice.**_

_Oh God, oh God, oh God... _

He bit his lip and carefully eased her back down onto the floor, supporting the back of her head with one hand.

_**The blanket, Elliot.**_

He took a deep breath, steeling himself, and then he yanked it off.

_OH GOD._

He was immediately struck with horror at what he had done.

_**Elliot, come on.**_

He just sat there numbly, staring at her body. _No._

_**Elliot.**_

_I can't do it._ He started to stroke her hair. _I can't do that to her._

_**You have to. It's not personal, Elliot, you know that. She'd understand**_.

He shook his head. She wouldn't. Being sexually assaulted was her worst fear.

_**You're not going to sexually assault her, you're just going to undress her a little bit.**_

_Oh God, oh my God... _He took a deep breath, somehow suppressing a heave as he reluctantly started to undo her shirt, fumbling uselessly with the tiny buttons.

_**Come on, Elliot, you really think your friendly neighbourhood rapist is going to fuck around with buttons?**_

_Oh no..._

_**Come on, Elliot, you can do this.**_

He took hold of the sides of her shirt, took a deep breath and tore it open, sending buttons flying across the room and exposing her bloodstained tank top.

_**Now the tank top.**_

Elliot shook his head. _Oh God, no, I can't, I can't tear that off too..._

_**You don't have to, just push it up round her neck. **_

_Oh no, no... _He bent down and kissed her cheek. 'Liv, I'm so, so sorry...' He sat back, took another deep breath and grabbed the hem of her tank top, pushing it up to her neck and exposing her black cotton bra.

_AND-_

_-and her blood-soaked abdomen, and-_

_-oh God, the exit wound from the bullet, it was huge, it was-_

_OH GOD-_

He lurched backwards and away from her, dry-retching as tears ran down his face, overcome with horror and nausea.

_**Don't you dare be sick, Elliot, they can get DNA from that.**_

_Why the hell not, I deserve it, I deserve it!_

_**Your family doesn't.**_

Elliot felt a new wave of resolve. _No. No, they didn't._ He looked back down at Olivia's body, trying to work up the nerve to touch her again.

_OK._

_OK, Elliot._

He took a deep breath, grabbed the waistband of her trousers and yanked them down, ripping the zip fly in two as he shoved them down to her ankles, exposing her pale thighs and black cotton underwear with a lace trim.

_Tell me that's enough, tell me I can stop now..._

_**You know you can't.**_

He buried his head in his hands. _I do, I do..._

_**Do it.**_

_Fine, but I'm going to say goodbye to her first._

He swallowed, looking down at her face and stroking her hair. 'Olivia, I am so sorry.' He bent over her and pressed his lips against her forehead, holding them there and cradling the sides of her face in his hands. 'I swear, I wish that this had never happened, I wish...' He bit his lip, feeling tears begin to run down his face again. 'I wish I hadn't said those awful things to you, I wish that you hadn't had to die thinking-' He trailed off, tried to take a breath and immediately burst into tears. 'I wish that you hadn't had to die thinking that I hated you, because I don't, Liv, I loved you, I...' He broke off and held his forehead against hers, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. 'Please forgive me for this, OK? I don't want to do it, believe me, I don't, but... I have to think about my family, about my kids, and... and...' He started to cry harder, sobbing so hard he could hardly breathe. 'Please, Liv, please, I don't want to do this, why did you have to die, Liv, I'm so sorry, I am, if I could I'd make it up to you, but I can't, and...'

He paused and cleared his throat. 'Liv... I am so, so sorry. For everything.' He kissed her softly on the mouth, brushing her hair back off her face. 'I... I lied before. I never minded you calling me El, and... and I did love you.' He sniffed, quickly wiping his eyes with his sleeve. 'I did, Liv, I did.' He smiled sadly at her, cradling her face in his hands again and pressing his lips against hers. 'I am so, so sorry.' He closed his eyes and held his forehead against hers, still stroking the sides of her face with his thumbs, listening to the sound of his own breathing and the traffic outside.

_**Elliot.**_

_No, just a few more minutes, just a few more minutes with her, please..._

_**Elliot... it's been over half an hour. You know what you have to do.**_

Elliot bit his lip. He did. He took a deep breath and kissed the side of her face, whispering into her ear. 'Liv... please forgive me for what I'm about to do to you.'

He sighed and kissed her gently on the mouth again, lingering for a few seconds before he reluctantly pulled away, tears still pouring down his face.

_**OK. You said goodbye. Do it.**_

He took one last look at her face, and then he forced himself to let go of her and sit up, bracing himself for what he had to do next.

_OK._ He took a deep breath, laying his hand on her belly and hooking his fingers under the lace edge of her black underwear.

_I can do this. I can. _

_I have to. _

_Count of three, Elliot._

_3-_

_-2-_

_-1..._

He looked away, tore off her underwear and threw them on the floor, immediately jumping up and turning to run for the door-

_**POSE HER, ELLIOT!**_

_Oh Jesus, oh Jesus..._ He dropped back to the floor, averting his gaze, unable to look at her, somehow finding her knees with his hands and forcing her legs as far apart as they would go, bracing her feet against the floor, and then he was grabbing the plastic bag and running for the door, not daring to look back as he grabbed the wicker basket, keen to get the hell out of there as quickly as he could-

_**Don't forget her purse.**_

He stopped, already halfway out the door. _What?_

_**Someone who'd gone to the trouble of breaking in wouldn't leave a purse full of money sitting on the countertop.**_

_Shit. Of course. _

_Elliot, you suck at this. _

He reluctantly turned back, leaned across the counter and grabbed her purse, giving her one last look and immediately regretting it as he closed the door gently behind him.

_**A/N: Did you find it interesting or 'like' it? It can be pretty grim, but hopefully it still has enough positive in it to keep you wanting more. So, like I said, please send me a review and let me know (especially if you haven't already) so that I can decide where (if?) to carry it on from here.**_

**_Thanks for tolerating my depressing writing!_**


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Well, I somehow managed to finish this new chapter despite a fresh bout of writer's block... which will hopefully make most of you happy! (Except maybe you, SamandAndy2418)... **_

_**It has a different style than the earlier two, but it does also have the return of our beloved Olivia (in a slightly different role than before) so hopefully that might make up for it if you're not too sure.**_

_**So, please give it a read and send me a review to let me know what you think... I'm definitely going to carry on with it, but the question now is how exactly to develop it... because I can see at least five different directions I could take it in.**_

_**Beloved reviewers:**_

_**epsilonfool, I'm so happy you liked it and that it was worth dropping everything to read! Thanks also for all your support via PM, and I'm definitely going to continue with this story... I think it could develop into something really interesting. **_

_**Hailey, you have as ever been amazing to bounce ideas off while I've been writing this, so thank you for that, and also for your lovely review. And yes, Facebook has indeed been a bitch lately. **_

_**Sister of the Light, I'm glad you liked it... and yeah, despite his best efforts, he really is making a mess of the whole 'covering everything up' thing. Part of his problem is that however objective he's trying to be, he's constantly distracted by how awful he feels and how terrible what he's done is. Plus, when it comes to her, he's always been really bad at being objective. Also, you're right, he is being really delusional, and I don't think she will be inclined to forgive him at first once she actually starts thinking straight. **_

_**lou3174, I'm sorry if I gave you nightmares too =( If it helps, after I wrote it, I didn't sleep at all that night. I mean, I always get really emotionally invested in my stories, but this one? This one really got to me. This chapter did too, I was actually crying for some of it... but hopefully you'll like it anyway? **_

_**LissaLikesLeopards, I adore you. But then, we've been through that already =) **_

_**SamandAndy2418, I am afraid that I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Please accept my utmost apologies, and rest assured that I will mourn the loss of your good will for ever more. **_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, I'm really sorry, but she is... but she'll still be a presence in the story, if that makes you feel any better? **_

_**Cfhonan, I'm really sorry =( However hard the story is to read though, I hope you think that it's worthwhile. **_

_**firebird1029, it's lovely to meet you! I don't think I've been reviewed by you before... so hi! I do always try to do something a little bit different in my stories - even in ones that are based around a common theme, like 'Heritage', I try to present differently than I've seen before, so I'm glad that you think that. She's my favourite character too, so I hated doing this to her, but she'll still be in the story, even if she won't interact with the other characters so much. I know what you mean about the 'hoping he gets away with it' thing too - it's one of the reasons I wrote it from his point of view, because it makes you feel almost complicit in what he does, and a part of you wants to root for him to find a way to wriggle out of it... **_

_**inspirationimagination, I've missed you! I'm so happy you like this story too, because I know I can always trust you to be honest and detailed in all your reviews. Yes, it is a reference to the JHF necklaces - which I actually have in the silver version at home - and I'm glad someone spotted that... You're right, Elliot definitely does have the rage to do something like this, it just took an unfortunate combination of alcohol and various stressors to make him snap - and sadly she was the one who was there when he did. Also - and this is going to sound really weird - I'm happy that I made you cry? That sounded mean, but I really wanted to try and do a more emotional chapter after the mindless violence of the the first one, and I'm glad that it worked out. **_

_**Wow, this has been a really long note, even for me.**_

_**Also, I somehow forgot to put this at the beginning of this story like I usually do, but the speech marks key on my computer does not work and I can't afford to get it fixed, hence having to use the apostrophes instead... my apologies, grammar fiends, but sadly my computer seems to be possessed by demons of some kind. **_

_**Anyway... here's the new chapter, I hope all of you enjoy it, and please send me a review to let me know what you think! **_

'God, Elliot, that's NOT how you do CPR.' Olivia rolled her eyes and snorted, settling back against her couch cushions. 'If you're going to do it, you might as well pull your head out of your ass and do it properly.'

She shook her head, wincing and rubbing the back of her neck as it cracked. _This is a really weird game._

_Fuck knows why I ever agreed to play it._

_Actually, when did I agree to play it?_

She couldn't remember.

_God, Olivia, when you start having blackouts it's a sign to lay off the wine._

She frowned. _But I didn't even drink that much tonight..._

_Oh, thank God, he's stopped, he's getting up, maybe we can go now..._

She smiled hopefully. 'Are we done yet, El?'

He ignored her, reaching over her to grab the brown blanket from the couch beside her, and she felt a sudden burst of horror. 'No! Not that blanket!' She tried to snatch it from him but missed, her hands (_almost_) seeming to go straight through it. 'No, that's the blanket I use to protect the couch when I'm using the foot spa thing Alex gave me! It's had my dirty feet all over it!'

He stopped and went to put it back, and she immediately breathed a sigh of relief. _Oh thank God, I really didn't want to have to wake up with that hideous thing covering my face..._

_Why is he just standing there? _She felt a twinge of impatience. _Put the nasty blanket back and be done with it, and for the love of God don't look too close because I think it might still have a couple of bits of toenail clinging to it-_

_Oh shit._

He was leaning over her again.

_Oh GOD-_ Her stomach lurched. 'NO, NO, put it back, seriously, I don't mind, I really don't-'

_Too late._

She shuddered a little as she saw him pull it up over her face. _Well, that is just disgusting..._

_The second this is over, I'm taking a shower._

_Hell, I'm taking TWO._

She felt a fresh surge of impatience.

_What the hell is taking him so long?_

_Is he really still fucking around with that damn blanket?_

She rolled her eyes. 'Leave the fucking blanket alone, Elliot!' _Why the hell did I ever agree to do this?_

_Well, at least the thing's not touching my face anymore, that's good- _

_OH SHIT DON'T KISS MY FOREHEAD-_

She pulled a face. _Oh great. Now he probably thinks my face has always tasted like foot._

_No wonder he looks nauseous. _

_This is so embarrassing, I can't believe I'm going to have to work with a man who thinks I taste like foot..._

Elliot bit his lip. 'Liv...'

Olivia frowned. _Wait, is he actually crying?_

_Why the fuck is he crying?_

Suddenly her jaw dropped. _Jesus Christ, is he actually kissing me on my fucking MOUTH now?_ 'Elliot, that's not cool!'

Now he was holding his forehead against hers and stroking her cheek with his thumb. 'Oh my God, Liv, Liv...'

_What the fuck?_ Olivia squirmed uncomfortably. _OK, that's enough. This is just too weird to watch._

She sighed and got up. 'Elliot, can we stop playing this now? I'm bored.' _And really, really creeped out._

He ignored her.

She rolled her eyes. 'Elliot, it's me, say something.'

He didn't even look up.

_What the fuck is his problem?_

'El-'

She stopped.

_Wait..._

_How can I be lying on the floor at the same time as I'm standing here?_

_Well, because that thing on the floor isn't me, obviously._

_**Are you sure about that?**_

Olivia felt the first twinge of unease. 'Elliot.' She squatted in front of him as he picked up the pieces of wine bottle and waved her hand in his face. 'ELLIOT!'

_Why is he ignoring me?_

_**Because he can't see you.**_

She rolled her eyes. _Of course he can see me, don't be stupid..._ 'Elliot? Elliot, it's me!'

She saw him bite his lip, and she felt a rush of hope before he suddenly stood up and walked away. 'Elliot? Elliot, where are you going?' She tried to stand up and felt a stabbing pain in her abdomen.

_What the hell-_

She looked down and saw that she was covered in blood.

_What happen-_

_Oh my God, oh my God... _

_He shot me..._

_I remember now, I remember everything..._

_No, no, that's not right, it's just a game!_

_**Olivia, this isn't a game. It's real. This is really happening.**_

She was suddenly filled with a creeping feeling of dread. _What's really happening?_

_**Olivia... you're dead.**_

_No, no, I'm not, of course I'm not... _

She ran to the bathroom and tried to grab Elliot's shoulder. 'Elliot, come on, talk to me.'

He ignored her.

'Elliot?' Olivia fought back a rising sense of panic. 'Elliot, please!'

He closed the door of the bathroom cabinet and she froze. _Where am I? Why can't I see myself in the mirror?_ 'Elliot, Elliot, talk to me!'

_I'm not dead._

_Of course I'm not dead._

_Why would I be?_

_**Because he just killed you, he shot you and he beat you and he choked you to death, and now he's hiding all the evidence so no one will ever know he did it.**_

_But... but..._

_That's not possible..._

'Elliot, come back!' She bit her lip and ran back into the living room. 'Elliot, please, don't do this to me!'

Now he was kneeling over that... Thing... that wasn't her, clipping off its nails and weeping over it...

_Wait! _She quickly looked at her own fingernails. They were still carefully polished, neatly filed ovals.

_Ha! I knew it couldn't be true!_

She smiled triumphantly, holding up her hand and wiggling her fingers. 'See, that's not me!'

_**It used to be.**_

'NO!' Olivia burst into tears and sank onto the floor. 'It isn't fair, I don't want to play this game any more!'

_**It's not a game, Olivia. You're dead. You pushed him too far and now you're dead.**_

_But I don't want to be, I don't want to be..._

_**You are. **_

Elliot walked past her, heading back towards the kitchen, and she jumped up and ran after him. 'Elliot, please, why won't you talk to me?'

He stopped in front of the kitchen cupboard and her stomach lurched. _Oh God, he'll find the cookbooks he gave me and he'll know I never took them out of the shrinkwrap..._

_How is that your main concern?_

_Well, I don't fucking know, do I?_

She shook it off and ducked in front of him, waving her hands in front of his face. 'Elliot, please, are you mad at me?'

He didn't say anything, just looked straight past her and kept ransacking the cupboard.

'Elliot?' Olivia was trying and failing to keep the desperation out of her voice. 'Elliot, please don't be mad, please...'

He sniffed, closed the cupboard and took a deep breath, and she reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. 'El, please, just talk to me-'

He turned and walked straight through her.

_Oh my God... _

'Wait, Elliot, you felt that, I know you felt that!' She bit her lip and ran after him. 'Elliot, Elliot, please don't be mad at me, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I made you do this to me, please forgive me, I know you can hear me, Elliot-'

She stopped, staring down at the Thing on the floor.

_It doesn't look like me._

_It doesn't look anything like me._

She sat down next to it, peering carefully at its face.

_I mean, yes, it has the same hair and some of the same clothes, but it could be anyone..._

_It's not me._

_I would know if it was me._

She leaned forwards and touched its hair, realising with a jolt that she could actually feel it beneath her fingertips.

_Oh my God..._

_What the hell is happening to me?_

Suddenly Elliot was kneeling beside her and she broke into a wide smile, reaching out to touch the side of his face. 'Oh, El, I knew you could see me-'

He ignored her, leaning down to take off her necklaces.

_My necklaces._

_Oh my God._ Her jaw dropped. _Those are my necklaces._

_Why is that Thing wearing my necklaces?_

_Because..._

_Oh God..._

_Oh God, it's true..._

'Oh... oh my God...' She shook her head in disbelief, wincing as she felt her neck crack. 'I can't believe you killed me... you absolute bastard...'

He didn't say anything.

_**Well, of course he won't say anything, he can't hear you.**_

_No, he can, I know he can, we've always had that special connection, of course he knows I'm here..._

_Then why won't he talk to me?_

Olivia bit her lip, tears streaming down her face as she watched him put her jewellery into his pocket and walk towards her bedroom. 'Elliot, come back!' She felt a surge of desperation. 'Elliot, please don't be mad, please just talk to me, you're all I have!'

_Why did this have to happen?_

She hugged her knees against her chest, wincing a little as they pressed against her abdomen, and stared down at the Thing as it lay on the floor.

_Oh God..._

_Oh my God..._

_There was so much I still wanted to do..._

She started to cry harder, burying her face in her hands as she sobbed. 'Why, Elliot? Why would you do this to me?'

_Because you made him do it._

'No, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't make him do this!'

_Yes, you did. You provoked him. _

Olivia reached out and started to stroke the Thing's hair, not really sure what else to do.

_I look so peaceful..._ She bit her lip and traced her fingertips along the dark marks on its throat, feeling her neck crack again as she bent forward.

_I wonder if I have those here too?_ She rubbed her throat. _Probably._

She gingerly touched her forehead, her stomach turning over as she felt the rough edges of a deep gash beneath her fingers.

_Oh God, that's actually really me, that's what I look like now..._

She suddenly noticed the collar of her shirt peeking out from underneath the blanket.

_Fantastic. I would have to die wearing that shirt. _She sighed._ I won't have to wear it for eternity, will I? I only wore it today because it was laundry day._

_That's a really fucked up thing to say._

_Well, excuse me. I don't know if you'd noticed, but this is a really fucked up situation._

She stared down at the Thing, still stroking its hair.

_You should be angrier than this._

_Why aren't you angrier than this?_

There was a loud crash and then suddenly he was beside her again, snatching the Thing away and hugging it against his chest and crying, begging her to forgive him...

Olivia rolled her eyes impatiently. 'Oh God, will you just stop apologising? You never did when I was alive, so why are you doing it now that I'm dead?'

He ignored her, crying harder now with his face pressed into the Thing's hair. 'I'm so sorry, Liv, I didn't mean to do this to you, I swear, I would never mean to do this to you...'

_Oh, El... _She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. 'I know you wouldn't, El...'

_Why aren't you angrier at him? _

_Because it was an accident, he didn't mean to do it, I made him angry..._

_What do you mean? He did this to you! He ended your life! He's why you're in this position!_

She bit her lip. _But why should I blame him? It's still my fault, I'm still the one that made him do it..._

He was still quietly sobbing as he rocked the Thing in his arms, and she leaned forwards and laid her head against his back, wrapping her arms around his middle. _If she concentrated really hard, she could almost feel him. _ 'Elliot, please talk to me, I know you didn't mean it...'

He sniffed, slowly eased the Thing down onto its back and sat up, and for a minute she thought he was about to say something, to tell her that he knew she was there, that of course he knew she was there, they'd always had that special connection-

Instead he yanked the blanket off the Thing and started tearing at its clothes, and Olivia's jaw dropped.

_Oh God, oh my God..._

She felt as if she was going to be sick.

_He's just staging it, you know he is, he doesn't want to do it, and that's not you, not any more..._

_But... but..._

_Oh God, I can't be here for this, I just can't..._

She went to her bedroom and lay down on her bed, trying to block out the sounds of him crying and heaving in the other room as she chewed on her lip and stared up at the ceiling.

_What am I meant to do now?_

_Do I have to find my own way to... I don't know... the next world?_

_Is there a next world?_

_Am I just meant to stay here?_

_What if I never figure out what to do next?_

Tears were running down her face again. _I don't want to be alone..._

Suddenly she heard the front door opening in the other room and she jumped up, fighting down an overwhelming feeling of panic as she raced down the hallway.

'NO, NO, ELLIOT, PLEASE, ELLIOT, I'M SORRY, I'M SO SORRY I MADE YOU DO THIS TO ME, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME HERE-'

The door slammed shut behind him.

_**A/N: What did you think? I know it was a little different from the last two, but I hope you think it worked well anyway. Please send me a review to let me know, and I'll get started on chapter 4 for you!**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N: It took a while, but I finally have another chapter of Blame for you! Thank you so much for all of your reviews, especially as I know that this story is kind of an acquired taste... so it's great to know that people are enjoying it and are interested to keep reading! Please give this chapter a read and let me know what you think, and I'll try not to leave you hanging for so long next time!**_

_**Also, just so everyone who hasn't read me or my profile before knows: the quotations key on my keyboard sticks and only works half the time, so I have to use apostrophes instead. All donations towards finally getting the bastard fixed gracefully received =p Until then, my apologies... maybe just try and think of it as a hallmark of my writing? **_

_**Firstly, firebird1029, I am still working on it and I'm so sorry I kept you waiting so long... I got a bit caught up with updating Heritage and Grievance so it slipped my mind a little! I got your review though and went 'crap!' and really hauled ass to get this done... so hopefully it's worth the wait!**_

_**Delectable Sweetness, your name intrigues me, and also I'm glad you liked it and the dark humour (I'm assuming you meant you liked the odd humour in it?) because I always try and work that in, as well as trying to switch between different characters' POVs as much as I can.**_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, thank you =) **_

_**inspirationimagination, I probably don't really have to say that I adore you, but I'm going to say it anyway =) I'm glad you liked the humour, I'm glad you liked the emotion, I'm glad you liked the whole thing of her standing there and watching him the whole time even if he doesn't know she's there... there'll be more of her trying to interact with people coming up, so hopefully you'll find that interesting.**_

_**JAX001993, thank you so much, I was so happy after I read what you wrote. I knew this story was some seriously iffy subject matter, so the fact that someone who would usually have stopped reading after the first chapter kept going because they liked my writing, and then thought the story was great, really made my day.**_

_**Mariah94, you'll just have to wait and see... (also I explained the quotations thing in this A/N... my computer's a bitch.) **_

_**Hailey! I'm glad you thought that was cool, and thanks for proofing this chapter for me.**_

_**LiviotStabensler, thank you thank you thank you thank you... your review had me glowing with pride.**_

_**W.S.C. Magica De Spell, firstly, your name is incredible; secondly, I don't think you've reviewed me before, so hi and welcome to my weird little world of fic; and thirdly, thanks for your review - I always try and do things a little bit differently, so for someone to think this is unique means a lot to me. **_

_**LissaLikesLeopards - witchcraft.**_

_**morgancorinthos84, I spent a good half hour with your review trying to figure out if it was good or bad... I'm definitely going to continue with it, and I'm really happy that my writing made you move on from your initial stunned disbelief/horror and decide to try and keep an open mind (is that what happened?) and that you liked my use of the internal dialogue. Anyway, hopefully I'll win you over in chapters to come. **_

_**So, huge note over, and here's the next chapter for you. I hope you all like it (sometimes I am reluctant to use the word like when it comes to certain aspects of this story) and please send me a review and let me know what you think.**_

_God._

_I can't believe no one's found me yet._

Olivia had spent the entire night sitting beside her body on the floor of her apartment, staring at it and stroking its hair, and she'd moved from stunned disbelief and raw despair to vague annoyance.

_How has no one noticed that I'm missing by now?_

She slouched back against the couch cushions, absentmindedly rubbing the back of her sore neck. _I mean, I know it's only been thirteen hours since I died, but you'd think someone would care enough to come over and check I'm OK..._

_They probably just think you're sick._

She rolled her eyes. _Well, I'm not sick, I'm DEAD._

_They don't know that._

_But..._ She chewed her lip. _What if no one finds me for days?_

_I can't sit here alone for days..._

_What if no one EVER finds me?_

_Don't be silly, Olivia, it's New York, at some point someone will notice something's up and come in._

_No, no, they won't, they'll chalk it up to rotting garbage or blocked drains, you know what people in this city are like, anything that doesn't mean they have to do something or get involved..._

_Oh God, what if I'm like one of those bodies they find months later and I'm all mummified and leathery and disgusting?_

_No, no, he wouldn't let that happen, he wouldn't leave me here for months, he wouldn't-_

_Would he?_

Olivia suddenly burst into tears. _Why hasn't anyone noticed I'm missing?_

_I was alive for 43 years and not one person cares enough about me to come check if I'm OK?_

_It's only been thirteen hours, Olivia. It's not even lunchtime yet._

_But no one will come, you know that, no one will come, it's not like I have any family, the only person who ever came when I was sick was him, and he's the only person who knows exactly where I am, because... because he..._

She buried her face in her hands and cried harder. _I thought he loved me..._

_He might have done, you don't know._

_If he loved me then why would he kill me?_

_**Because you made him angry. **_

_But I loved him, all I ever wanted was him, he was everything to me..._

_**And the whole time he just thought you were a massive pain in the ass.**_

_No, no, he didn't, he didn't..._

_**Yes he did, he said so himself. **_

_No..._

_**He thought you were needy, he thought you were pathetic...**_

_NO!_

_**He loved you, but you pushed him too far.**_

_**You knew what he was like, and you provoked him anyway. **_

_**He didn't do it because he didn't love you, he did it because you made him.**_

_**You're why he killed you.**_

She shook her head._ No, no, I didn't deserve this, I wasn't boring, I wasn't needy, I wasn't pathetic-_

_**Then why does no one care enough to be here, Olivia? Why does no one like you?**_

She bit her lip. _What about Alex and Casey, they liked me, they didn't think I was boring..._

_**Come on, you just work with them, work friends don't count.**_

_Well, what about all the victims I've helped, all the ones I'm still in contact with?_

_**Please. That's not a friendship, Olivia, that's not a healthy relationship, it's one where one person relies on the other for protection.**_

_No... _ She curled up into a ball on the couch, pressing her forehead into her knees as she sobbed._ I just wanted someone to want me, to need me, why is that so wrong..._

_**God, you're pathetic.**_

_He's the only person I had, I thought that was enough but it's not, it's not, he's gone, I drove him away and now I have no one... _She started to cry even harder. _How could I have let this happen to me?_

There was a knock on the door and Olivia looked up. 'Olivia?'

_Alex._

_Oh, thank God, it's Alex._

She felt a flicker of triumph. _I told you she liked me, I told you..._

'Olivia, it's me, are you OK?'

_No, I'm dead._

'Olivia, if I gave you that flu I had, I'm really sorry...'

Olivia shrugged and glanced at her body. _That's OK. Don't worry about it._

'I brought you some soup and stuff.'

There was another knock, and then a sigh.

_Oh God..._ Olivia bit her lip, clenching her fists. _No, please don't go, please don't leave me..._

_**She's going to leave you here, and then you'll be all alone...**_

_No, no, no- _

Suddenly Olivia heard the sound of Alex's spare key in the lock.

_Yes._

She gulped and quickly wiped her eyes. _I hope I don't look like I've been crying._

_**What the fuck, Olivia. **_

_Oh yeah, right._ She shifted uncomfortably. _Well, you never know, she might be able to see me..._

_**She won't.**_

_She might... _Olivia smiled_. And even if she doesn't, she's here, I won't be alone any more..._

_**You do know what's about to happen, right?**_

Olivia's eyes widened as she looked over at her body, suddenly horribly aware of what Alex and God knows how many police and legal personnel were about to see.

_Shit._

_SHIT._

_HOW COULD I NOT HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE?_

She jumped up and started trying to push her knees together, getting more and more frustrated as her hands kept going straight through them. _Shit, shit, shit-_

_**Stop it.**_

_NO!_ Olivia choked back a surge of panic, still desperately trying to force her legs together. _No, I WON'T! _

_**Olivia, you're trying to destroy a crime scene.**_

Olivia swiped the tears out of her eyes angrily, grabbing uselessly at her knees. _No, I'm NOT, I'm trying to fucking protect my dignity, can't I at least have that?_

_**You know that you can't, not if you want them to catch him-**_

_NO! NO, I DON'T! _ Olivia bit her lip, a rising sense of desperation spreading through her. _I DON'T WANT THEM TO CATCH HIM, AND I DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE ME LIKE THIS!_ She wiped her eyes again, frantically shoving at her thighs. _Come on, come on, come on, come ON..._

The door clicked open behind her. 'Olivia?'

_SHIT!_ Olivia jumped up and ran in front of her body, trying to block it from view. 'Alex, please, please don't look at me, please-'

Alex's eyes widened with horror and she dropped the plastic Duane Reade bag she was carrying, sending soup cans rolling across the floor. 'Oh my GOD, OLIVIA?'

Olivia's heart sank. _Oh no, no, I didn't want this to be how she remembered me..._

'OLIVIA!' Alex ran to her and dropped to her knees, frantically pressing her fingers into the side of Olivia's neck and then snatching her hand away in shock as she felt how cold she was. 'Oh God, oh God...' She put her hand over her mouth and sat down hard on the floor, shaking her head in disbelief. 'Olivia...'

_Oh, Alex..._ Olivia knelt down next to her and put her hand on her shoulder. 'Come on, Alex, it's OK...'

'Olivia, oh God...' Alex was still shaking her head, staring blankly at Olivia's body. 'Oh God...'

_Ask her._ Olivia leaned forward and looked her in the eye. 'Alex, close my legs, please, close my legs-'

'Oh, Olivia, Olivia-' Alex leaned forwards, reaching out for Olivia's knees, and then she stopped. 'No.'

_What?_ Olivia opened her mouth and then suddenly Alex was jumping to her feet and running to the phone, snatching it away from the cradle and punching in 911. 'I... my best friend is... oh my God, she's de-' She stopped and cleared her throat, breathing deeply. 'This is ADA Alexandra Cabot, Special Victims Unit, I need police and EMS to this location.' She paused, and then she bit her lip. 'A-' Her voice cracked. 'A rape and murder.'

x-x-x-x-x-x

_Relax, Elliot. No one knows._

He stifled a yawn, kneading his forehead with both hands.

He hadn't slept at all.

However tired he was, he didn't think he'd ever sleep again.

Every time he closed his eyes he could just see his hands around her throat, see her looking up at him and waiting patiently for him to realise what he was doing...

Except he hadn't.

He hadn't, and now she was dead.

He felt a rush of guilt. _I wonder if anyone's found her yet. _

_**Probably.**_

_What if they haven't?_

_What if she's still lying there alone?_

He bit his lip. _What if they don't find her for days?_

_**The longer it takes for her body to be discovered, the better it is for you.**_

He shook his head. He didn't care. If he hadn't heard anything by the end of the day, he'd come up with an excuse to go over there so that he could find her himself.

There was no way he was going to leave her to spend another night alone on the floor of her apartment.

_**You need to stop letting your emotions get in the way, Elliot. She's dead. It doesn't matter whether she's alone or not.**_

_It does to me._

_**Why? You were the one who left her there in the first place.**_

_I know, but..._ He bit his lip. _What if no one finds her for days, it's not like many people are going to be home much, it's so hot outside-_

He stopped.

_Oh my God._

_It's 100 degrees out there, you've seen enough to know what happens to bodies in the heat, and the window's open, the flies will get in and you know what they'll do to her, what if they don't find her until someone complains about an odd smell, and you know how fast that can happen in this weather-_

_NO._

Elliot jumped up and frantically tried to pull on his coat, already rehearsing what he was going to say to the 911 operator. 'I just came round to check on my partner, and...' _**No. Too calm.**_'Oh my God, my partner, she...' _**Too melodramatic.**_ 'My partner-'

'Elliot.' He looked up and saw Cragen standing in the doorway of his office, ashen-faced. 'Can I have a word?'

Elliot shook his head, glancing at the door and trying to work out how long it would take him to get uptown at this time of day. _The flies, the flies, oh God, the flies, the eggs and the maggots and the-_ 'Uh, not now, I have to, uh, go and check on Liv, she's not here and-'

'Elliot...' Cragen sighed, and Elliot noticed with a jolt that he had tears in his eyes. 'It's about Olivia.' He stepped aside and gestured into his office. 'I think you ought to come in and sit down.'

_**A/N: What did you think? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: So, I FINALLY have more Blame for you... I know, I know, it was a massive delay, but I got kind of caught up in updating Heritage, and... yeah. I'm sorry. I'll try and spend more time on it now. Thank you all for your reviews (I got a TON last time, and I was freaking ECSTATIC) and I am so, so sorry for keeping you hanging on for so long, but hopefully you'll think this chapter was worth the wait - and please send me a review to let me know! **_

_**Delectable Sweetness, ah. That makes sense. I'd always be concerned about changing my name on here in case everyone thought I'd done a bunk and left you all frustratedly waiting for an update and wondering why this new bitch was plagiarising me... but then again, Macha is actually my middle name (badass Irish goddess for the win) so I guess it might be worth keeping :) **_

_**Hailey, you're my favourite and I love you with my whole kidney! Also, thanks for your review. It was awesome. You're awesome. I figured it was how Alex would react - she does tend to try and maintain a cool, professional exterior, even when she's upset/terrified/angry, so it struck me as something she would do even in a situation as fucked up as this. **_

_**lou3174, I'm fairly sure he's thinking the same thing...**_

_**firebird1029, I am SO SORRY for having kept you waiting for so long? Is this chapter worth the wait? Also, thanks. You're awesome. :) **_

_**Solia, you are LOVELY. Thank you. I'm so happy you like my writing style so much, especially since it can be a little... odd... **_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, you're lovely too. Thank you :) **_

_**EnforcerAndAccuserFan, thanks for the review. I know it's kind of a daring choice of plot, but it just struck me as something I really wanted to explore. When he's angry, he does tend to lash out at the people closest to him, and I have wondered sometimes what it would really take to push him over the edge - kind of like in 'Rage', where the guy he's interrogating plays him so well. **_

_**Also, I just noticed you reviewed all the chapters at once! DAMN, that's awesome! And yeah, Olivia will keep playing a reasonably large part in this story, even if she can't really interact with anyone else. I kind of want to do it with her coming to terms with what's happened (like her own kind of grief, because I've always wondered if people who die grieve for their relatives just as much as their relatives grieve for them) alongside Elliot's trying to come to terms with what he's done. Right now, she's still kind of sad and numb, but you just know the anger is coming... **_

_**lcf328, I kind of wanted to try something a bit new, and I'm glad you found it so fascinating to read. The whole psychology of it is what makes it such an interesting idea for me, so I'm happy you think that was done well.**_

_**inspirationimagination, thank you! The shock of something like this happening does tend to kind of break down the fronts people put on, especially for Olivia in this case - there's no one left to judge her actions but herself, and she no longer has any control of how people perceive her. Elliot seems to be in a similar kind of denial to her, refusing to completely believe that she's dead even if he knows that she is, and that's just making everything so much more difficult for him... **_

_**Thebanana4brains... your username is bizarre. And awesome. Also, you're lovely. Thank you so much :) **_

_**W.S.C. Magica De Spell, thanks. This story is all about different people's reactions and feelings about what has happened to Olivia and the events that follow, and I hope using all the different internal points of view will kind of make that work well. It could go either way. We'll see. **_

_**gemfinder360, you're awesome. I'm going to have to find another character/case to name after you sometime. Maybe we can discuss it the next time we go whaling and to molest some cars. **_

_**morgancorinthos84, my brain is often strained - trying to get your head around the more bizarre realms of conceptual art will do that to you. I'm so glad you chose to keep reading, and I hope the story keeps on holding your interest... also I'm happy you found the description so vivid. Sometimes I find that the internal thoughts are more effective than patiently describing the surroundings in detail in making a scene 'real', if that makes any sense. Probably not. I'm running kind of a fever right now so God knows how much sense I'm making. Oh well. **_

_**LiviotStabensler, you're so nice! And I do like to try and find some humour in everything. Taking life too seriously is just a recipe for a mid-life crisis. **_

_**lifeistooshorttobeserious, I am still writing this story - fear not! I just have a ton of others going at the same time (fuck knows why I thought that would be a good idea - I must be a glutton for punishment...) Also I'm so glad you like Grievance. It's another one that's plotted kind of strangely so I'm glad it seems to be working well. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long on this chapter, but... hopefully it's worth the wait! **_

_**Anyway... HUGE note over (man, but I can really ramble in these things) here is my brand new chapter of Blame! I hope you all like it, and that you think it was worth the wait... and, of course, please send me a review to let me know!**_

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><p>'She's already reached full rigour, based on that and her body temp I'd say she's been dead between 12 and 16 hours...'<p>

Elliot stood in the doorway of Olivia's apartment, looking at all the little yellow numbers scattered around and listening to the ME as he quietly dictated his observations into a tape recorder.

_This..._

Elliot shook his head blankly.

_Oh God..._

He stared at Olivia's body, limp and still beneath a white plastic sheet that was folded down to expose her face and chest as the ME crouched beside her, pointing something out to a detective.

_This can't be happening._

_It isn't real._

_She can't be dead._

'There are visible petechiae on the whites of her eyes and bruising on her neck consistent with manual strangulation...'

Elliot shook his head numbly, unable to take his eyes off Olivia's pale, bruised face, the dark marks on her neck from where he had choked her somehow even more pronounced than they had been the night before.

_Did I really do this?_

_You know you did, Elliot._

He forced himself to look away, watching all the technicians taking photographs and dusting for prints and whatever else they did when this kind of thing happened.

_No._

_No, this can't be real._

It felt so wrong to see her apartment like this, reduced to just one more crime scene that these assholes would forget by the end of the day, like she didn't even matter...

_**Don't go getting all self-righteous, Elliot, you're the one that killed her.**_

_YES, BUT I DIDN'T MEAN TO, I DIDN'T!_

Elliot let out an odd, choked sob, and the detective leaning over Olivia's body glanced up, swore quietly and quickly gestured for the ME to cover her up. 'Detective Stabler, Detective Jarman, Manhattan Homicide.' He stood up and offered his hand to shake. 'I am so, so sorry about your partner, and believe me I will do everything I can to find whoever did this to her.'

Elliot shifted uncomfortably. _Well, you don't have to look very far._ 'What-' His voice caught in his throat and he swallowed awkwardly. 'What happened?' _Did she suffer? Did she know what was happening? Did she feel everything that I did to her? Tell me she was in shock or something from the head injury, please... _'How did she die?' _Was she dead before I choked her? Was she dead when I broke her neck?_

_Of course she wasn't dead, don't you remember her fighting you, clawing at your hands as you tightened your grip on her throat?_

Elliot shook his head, pushing back a fresh wave of nausea.

_No, no, that doesn't mean anything, that could just have been a nightmare, something my mind made up afterwards to make it seem worse..._

_What, because killing your partner wasn't bad enough?_

_Shut up shut up SHUT UP-_ Elliot clenched his fists and took a deep breath. _**Stay calm, come on, don't blow this now, you've done so well so far...**_ 'Please. Please, just tell me. I know you don't think you should, but I need to know.'

The ME sighed and looked up at him. 'She was strangled. There are pale but very definite petechiae in the whites of her eyes. She was shot once in the lower back and severely beaten, but strangulation was definitely the cause of death.'

Elliot's heart sank.

_Shit. _

_Oh, shit._

_She felt it._

_She knew._

_No, stop it, you don't know that. _

Elliot cleared his throat. 'Did... did she know what was happening to her, I mean, that gash-'

The ME nodded. 'I'm afraid she did, yes.'

_No, no, oh no, no, please..._ Elliot felt an unpleasant burst of desperation. _He's wrong, he's wrong, he has to be wrong..._ 'Are... are you sure?'

'Well, the head injury is superficial, definitely not enough to have incapacitated her, and she has defensive wounds on her hands from trying to fend off her attacker.'

'No...' Elliot couldn't let himself believe it. 'No, that doesn't mean anything, it can't mean anything...' _She can't have known, she can't have died knowing I was the one killing her, at least give me that..._

_You don't deserve anything from anyone, Elliot._

_I know, I know I don't..._

_She's dead, and she's dead because of you._

_No, no, I didn't mean it, I didn't... _ Elliot shook his head blankly. _I didn't..._

'Detective...' The ME sighed patiently. 'Have you heard of cataleptic rigidity?'

_Oh God..._ Elliot took a deep breath. _I'm not going to like this, am I?_ 'No. No, I haven't.' _Come on, Elliot. It can't possibly be worse than this._

'It's a form of muscular stiffening that occurs at the moment of death. It's rare, and no one really knows why it happens, but it tends to be associated with intensely emotional, violent deaths. It essentially freezes the last thing the decedent was doing before they died.' He carefully folded back the plastic sheet to expose Olivia's lower legs, now lying flat against the floor but still bent at the knee. 'Do you see how her toes are curled over like that, and how her feet are contorted and tensed?'

Elliot nodded silently.

'It means she was afraid, and the fact that her hands aren't clenched the same way suggests that she didn't want her attacker to know it.' The ME glanced at Detective Jarman. 'She knew exactly what was happening to her, and she was terrified.'

'No...' Elliot felt tears start to run down his face as he watched the ME cover her up again. 'Oh God...'

_She knew._

_Oh God, she knew._

_She was conscious enough to hide her fear._

_She looked into my face as I killed her, the last thing she saw was me shouting at her and beating her, that last thing she heard was me telling her I hated her..._

_**Why the hell does it matter, Elliot? She's still dead.**_

_I know, but... but... how must she have felt knowing that the man she'd give her life for was deliberately taking it from her?_

_Did she know it was the end?_

_Did she know she was dying?_

Elliot bit his lip, tears still streaming down his face.

_Of course._

_Of course she knew._

_Oh God, how could I have done this to her?_

Detective Jarman gave him a sympathetic look. 'I am so, so sorry, Detective Stabler. I can't imagine how awful this must be for you. Everyone knew how close you two were.'

Elliot just shook his head numbly. _We were, we were so close, she trusted me, she loved me, and I did this to her..._ 'What do you think happened, was it a burglary that went wrong, I mean, if they came in through her bedroom window they might not have known she was home, she could have just been unlucky...'

'What?' Detective Jarman looked surprised. 'How did you know they broke in through the bedroom window?'

'I-' Elliot blinked. _Shit. Shit._ 'I...' _**Think faster, dumbass.**_ 'Because Liv would never have let someone she didn't know into her apartment, and her door seems undamaged, and...' _Shit. Fuck._ 'And... and if he didn't break down the door, he must have come in the window, and the bedroom window is the one by the fire escape.' _**Good. Now hold it together for fuck's sake. Your going to prison won't make her any less dead. **_ He forced a smile. 'Sorry. Can't snap out of the detective frame of mind, I guess.'

Detective Jarman laughed. 'Happens to the best of us.' He glanced around and leaned in closer, lowering his voice. 'And just between you and me, I don't peg this as a stranger attack. She knew the person who did this, or at least they knew her.'

Elliot's stomach lurched. _No. No. He knows. Oh God, he knows. He knows I killed her._ 'What-' His breath caught in his throat and he stopped, forcing himself to keep the panic out of his voice. _**Don't be so fucking stupid, Elliot. Of course he doesn't fucking know.**_ 'What do you mean? I mean, you can't know that...' _Can you?_

Detective Jarman sighed. 'Detective, the person who did this clearly had a gun with them, because they shot her in the back at some point during the attack - I'm assuming it was early on, when she tried to run. I've been doing this almost 20 years, and a burglar who had been interrupted would have just finished her off with a shot to the head and left as fast as they could, but... beating her this viciously and then strangling her to death? That kind of overkill - that's love.'

_Shit._ Elliot swallowed uncomfortably. _**Nice job staging it, jackass. **_'Really? Are you sure?'

Detective Jarman nodded. 'Yes, there's no indifference here, there's no sense of detachment from the crime... this wasn't a convenience killing, or even a stranger attack gone wrong, this was rage. Manual strangulation isn't just intimate, it's exhausting. It takes a lot of strength to maintain the kind of grip it takes for the victim to die. If you ask me, this level of rage, there's gotta be something more there, some kind of history.'

Elliot blinked. _Crap. _'So... so you think the guy just maybe lost control, that it was maybe an accidental kind of thing, a fluke?' _Please, please, give me something, just tell me something that makes me less of a monster, please..._

'No.' Detective Jarman shook his head. 'Yes, he was angry, yes, there was a lot of rage there, but he wasn't out of control. I've seen this kind of thing before, and the rage itself and his response to it are an intrinsic part of the attack. It was something she did that triggered him, and the process of killing her actively soothed him.'

_No, no, you don't understand... _Elliot felt like he was about to throw up. _I didn't mean it, I didn't want to kill her, it just happened, one second I was arguing with her and the next she was dead on the floor and I was choking her... _'What do you mean?'

'Well... in some people, violence triggers the production of serotonin in the brain. The more he hurt her, the more he beat her, the calmer he became, and by the time she was dead, he'd regained the presence of mind to clean up after himself. It's a direct contrast to the seemingly uncontrolled burst of rage and violence of the attack itself - he was calm, clinical, efficient.' Detective Jarman looked at him. 'And more to the point, he was loving.'

'He-' Elliot blinked in surprise. 'You think he was loving?' _Yes, I loved her, but I killed her, I shot her and I beat her and I choked her, how loving can I have been..._

'Yes, loving.' Detective Jarman kneeled down and folded the sheet down off Olivia's face. 'Look at her - her hair's brushed back off her face and smoothed down where he sat with her and stroked it. Her makeup is smudged from where he closed her eyes after death, and there's faint traces of her lipstick on her forehead from where he kissed her. There are fibres all over her body from a blanket we found beside the couch, meaning he covered her up after she was dead.' He looked up at Elliot, raising an eyebrow. 'There's definite remorse there, Detective, and a lot of it. Her attacker knew her, and I'd say he probably loved her.'

Elliot didn't really hear him. He couldn't take his eyes off Olivia's face. _She didn't look like she was just asleep any more, she was too pale, too still-_

He bit his lip.

_Oh God, how could I have done this to her?_

_I loved her, I loved her so much..._

Detective Jarman gave the ME a look and pulled the sheet up to cover Olivia's face again. 'Do you know of anyone she was close with who might have done this?'

Elliot cleared his throat. 'Uh...' **Quick**_**, Elliot, now's your chance. **_'Well, we've, uh, we've worked with a lot of creeps in our job, she's had stalkers before... maybe it's someone who she met on a case who invented a whole relationship in their head? Someone she didn't know?'

Detective Jarman sighed. 'Well, I suppose it's theoretically possible, but we don't believe that that's the case here.'

_Fuck._ 'Why not?'

'Because we asked around and her neighbours remember hearing someone knocking on her door, followed by the sound of shouting and banging around the estimated time of death. She let her attacker in, and then after he'd killed her he broke the window in an attempt to make it look like an intruder had done it. She knew him, Detective, and she trusted him enough to let him into her apartment late at night. This wasn't a stranger who did this, it was someone she cared about.' Detective Jarman looked at him. 'And I'll be honest, 99% of the time, it's the boyfriend. Do you know if she was dating anyone?'

'No.' Elliot swallowed awkwardly, staring at the shape of Olivia's body as it lay beneath the white plastic sheet. 'No, I don't.'

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><p><em><strong>AN: So... what did you think? Was it worth the wait? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	6. Chapter 6

**_A/N: OK, I have a new sort-of-chapter for you... it's shorter than usual, and maybe a little less polished, but I've been having a lot of problems lately and... hey, I tried my best. I had to work around with the formatting a bit to convey the difference between speech, thoughts, alter thoughts, flashbacks, etc etc etc, so if it's a little confusing I apologise.  
><em>**

**_I'm sorry I've kept you all waiting for so long, and thank you so much for all your reviews on the chapters I've published so far. I hope you like this one, and please, please send me a review to let me know what you think... but be nice, because God knows I'm not myself right now and I have busted my ass trying to get this out for you.  
><em>**

**_(Hailey, I adore you and I miss you, and Wisconsin really needs to be less of a geography hog.)  
><em>**

* * *

><p><em>'You know what, Elliot?' Olivia's face was just as red as his now, her <em>

_hair sticking to her scalp with sweat as she clenched her fists. _

_'You keep blaming me for this shit but it's all you, you've ruined _

_everything for yourself, you've let yourself down, it's because of your_

_ damn attitude problem and your stupid testosterone macho-man _

_thing that you're in this mess! All this crap about how I did this,_

_ I did that, it's all bullshit, because it's ALL YOUR FAULT!'_

_.  
><em>

_**It's your fault, Elliot.**_

_**It's all your fault.**_

_No..._ Elliot shook his head. _No, no, it can't be, it isn't, I was drunk, she provoked me, she made me angry, she..._

_.  
><em>

_'Fuck you.' Olivia forced herself to look him in the eye, _

_desperately fighting the urge to just crumple into a ball _

_on the floor and weep. 'You absolute heartless bastard.'_

_.  
><em>

_She just kept on and on and on and so I... and so I hit her, and... and then I just-_

_.  
><em>

_She stared at him, wrinkling her nose in disgust. _

_'Get away from me, you son of a bitch.'_

_.  
><em>

_And... and then I..._

_.  
><em>

_He lunged forward and shoved her back against the wall-_

.

Elliot swallowed awkwardly, feeling his heart beating harder and faster. _And then..._

_.  
><em>

_-grabbed her gun from the countertop and shot her in the back-_

_._

_-and then I went to her, I was going to help her, __I know I was,__I would never-_

_.  
><em>

_-suddenly he was leaning over her and yanking her onto her back__,_

_ his face contorted with rage-_

_._

_-but she-_

_.  
><em>

_-she slapped him hard across the face-_

_._

_-so then I-_

_.  
><em>

_-he was grabbing her neck with both hands and choking her, _

_hearing her gagging as he tightened his hands around her throat-_

_._

_And... and then... _Elliot took a deep breath, a cold sense of nausea settling in his gut._ Oh God, and then..._

_.  
><em>

_Suddenly a faint look of surprise flickered across her face and_

_ she let out a small choked gasp, her eyes widening _

_a__s the last of the life left in them faded into nothing._

_._

_Oh God oh God oh God..._ Elliot suddenly felt like he was about to throw up_. Oh God, no., what have I done..._

_**You know what you've done, Elliot.**_

_But... but I..._

_**But what?**_

_But..._

_.  
><em>

_'Olivia?' He leaned in closer, turning her face towards_

_ him and shaking her shoulder gently. 'Olivia, wake up.'_

_._

_But I..._

_. _

_'Olivia! OLIVIA! Come on, PLEASE!' He kept _

_desperately __pushing down on her chest. _

_'Olivia, COME ON!'_

_._

_I tried to help her, see, I tried to help her, I wanted to save her life but I couldn't, you heard the ME, her neck was broken, she had massive internal bleeding and... and..._ Elliot bit his lip, choking back a sob. _She had a broken neck, her spinal cord was completely severed, she couldn't have survived whatever I'd done, even if I'd called the paramedics she would have died anyway-_

_**To be fair, though, if you hadn't shot her, beat her, choked her and broken her neck, she probably could have survived just fine.**_

_But I didn't mean to, she... she provoked me, she pushed me too far, it wasn't my fault-_

_**Oh, wah wah wah wah wah-**_

_NO! NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I COULDN'T STOP MYSELF-_

.

_'No.' Detective Jarman shook his head. 'Yes, he was angry,__yes,_

_ there __was a lot of rage there, but he wasn't out of control. _

_I've seen this kind of thing before, and the rage itself_

_ and his __response to it are an intrinsic part of the_

_ attack. It was something __she did that triggered him, and_

_ the process of killing her actively soothed him-'_

.

_Stop it! _Elliot clapped his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut, desperately trying to block it out. _ Stop it stop it stop it stop it-_

_._

_'In some people, violence triggers the production of serotonin_

_ in the brain. __The more he hurt her, the more he beat her, the _

_calmer __he became, and by the time she was dead, he'd regained _

_the __presence of mind to clean up after himself. It's a direct_

_contrast __to the seemingly uncontrolled burst of rage and _

_violence __of the attack itself - he was calm, clinical, efficient.' _

_Detective Jarman looked at him. __'And more to the point, he was loving.'_

.

_NO! _Elliot slammed his fist down on the table. _No, no, that doesn't mean anything!_

_**Don't you know what serotonin is, Elliot?**_

_Yes, but-_

_**It's a happy thing.**_

_**It means you were getting off on it.**_

_**It means that you were getting off on-**_

_No no no no NO!_ Elliot buried his face in his hands. _No, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to, I swear..._ He started to cry again. _I swear..._

_**Doesn't make a damn bit of difference, Elliot.**_

_Yeah, but... but... _ Elliot swallowed awkwardly. _But I loved her, I loved her..._

_**Is that why you threw a plastic bag full of her most treasured possessions into the Hudson?**_

_No, I-_

_**Is that why you stole her mother's jewellery and her beloved necklaces right off her body?**_

_No, it wasn't like that-_

_**Is that why you gave her mother's ring to a junkie on Amsterdam?**_

_No, it was... I had to throw them off, I had to give them a false trail, divert attention from me, you know that-_

_**Then why'd you keep her necklaces, Elliot?**_

_Because... well, because_... Elliot slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out Olivia's necklaces, turning them over in his hands and staring down at them._ Because I needed something, something of hers, something that made me think of her, to keep her close-_

_**As a trophy?**_

'NO!' Elliot felt a sudden flash of rage. ' NO, BECAUSE I LOVED HER!'

_**Sure, Elliot.**_

_**We both know that's what they're going to think.**_

_**That's going to be your downfall, you know.**_

_**You're too fucking sentimental.**_

.

_Detective Jarman kneeled down and folded the sheet _

_down off Olivia's face.__'Look at her - her hair's brushed back __off _

_her face and smoothed down __where he sat with her __and __stroked _

_it. Her makeup is smudged from where __he __closed __her eyes_

_ after death, and there's faint traces of __her __lipstick __on her forehead _

_from where he kissed her. There are __fibres__ all over her __body _

_from a blanket we found beside the couch, __meaning __he _

_covered her up after she was dead.' He looked up at Elliot, __raising _

_an eyebrow. 'There's definite remorse there, Detective, and a lot of it. _

_Her attacker knew her, and I'd say he probably loved her.'_

.

_Well, what the hell was I MEANT to do? _Elliot gritted his teeth, pushing down a rising sense of impatience. _ Just leave her there like that, go home and pretend nothing happened, forget all about it, all about HER-_

_**No, but maybe you could try being less self-pitying once in a while.**_

_But I'm not... _Elliot shifted uncomfortably, feeling an unexpected pang of hurt. _I'm not, I'm not self-pitying-_

_**You are.**_

_**You've barely stopped thinking about yourself since this happened.**_

_._

_He broke off and held his forehead against hers, stroking her cheeks_

_ with __his thumbs. 'Please forgive me for this, OK? I don't want to do it, _

_believe __me, I don't, but... I have to think about my family, _

_about my kids, and... and...' _

_._

_No, I... I..._

_._

_He started to cry harder, sobbing so hard he could hardly _

_breathe. __'Please, Liv, please, I don't want _

_to do this, why did you have to die, Liv, I'm so __sorry,_

_ I am, if I could I'd make it up to you, but I can't, and...'_

_._

_No, no, no..._

_**Yes.**_

_._

_He took a deep breath and kissed the side of her face,_

_ whispering into her ear. 'Liv... please forgive me_

_ for what I'm about to do to you.'_

.

'No...' Elliot shook his head blankly. 'No, you don't understand, I had to do it, I had to cover it up, I had no choice...'

_**Oh yeah?**_

_**Who are you trying to convince, Elliot?**_

_**Me?**_

_Well-_

_**Because we both know how fucked up that is, Elliot.**_

'I don't know, I don't know, I just... I just...' Elliot's voice caught in his throat. 'I just wish...'

_**What, Elliot? What do you wish?**_

_I..._

_I wish..._

_I wish I'd just slept in the cribs again._

_I wish I'd stopped after that second beer._

_I wish she hadn't made me so angry._

_I wish I'd learned from the last time._

_I wish..._

_I wish..._

_._

_'Liv...' He kissed her cheek and held her face against the_

_ side of __his neck, pressing his lips against __the __top of_

_ her head as he hugged her tightly, rocking her back __and forth. _

_'Oh God, Liv...'_

_._

Elliot bit his lip. _I wish I hadn't hurt her..._

_**Well, guess what, Elliot, you did.**_

_**Now you're just going to have to learn to live with it.**_


End file.
